The U.S. House of Representatives voted to ban class-action lawsuits against fast food joints, foiling the ranch-coated plot of the obese community. There’s one thing I don’t understand. Why are these people trying to slap the hands that feed them?
Don’t blame McDonalds and Taco Bell for staying open way past dinner time. If I learned anything from The Man Without a Face, it’s that fatties, elephant men and celebrities do their shopping under the evil cloak of the night sky. The obese feel shame for eating their three square meals before noon and must wait until the world is at rest to binge on various pies and mutton-filled cheddar wraps. Sooner or later, every single moment of their lives is only about food. Worcestershire Sauce is not a cologne. “Don’t forget the Lea & Perrins” doesn’t mean you failed to wear deodorant.
Where’s my baby? Where’s my precious baby? Oh, it seems you have squeezed him between two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, a horse tranquilizer and a map of Spain. The best way to NOT lose weight is to point your batter-dipped finger at someone else. I used to be fat; so, I can talk the talk, brotha. Instead of suing Burger King for Sizzler money, why don’t you…oh, I don’t know…go for a walk. Educate yourself on good and bad foods. Taco salad is NOT a salad. It’s 40 Slim Jims covered in pico de gallo. Fruit is good for you. Hawaiian Punch is not. Are you writing this down? WITH A PENCIL NOT FROSTING!
You can do it, folks. I believe in you. Make a lifestyle change. There’s so much stuff you haven’t done in years. Here’s an abbreviated list to get you motivated!
1. Dial a rotary phone.
2. Find your genitals and wash them.
3. Drive a GEO Tracker.
4. Run to the drug store for ice cream and smokes.
5. Punch your neighbor without your fist sounding like someone stepped on a bag of pudding.
6. Stand up and not die.
7. Feel a hot stove without a 27 minute delay due to layers of dead skin.
8. Distinguish diarrhea from the sweat between your legs.
9. Sleep on a mattress rather than a trampoline with sheets.
10. Find love without a restraining order.
SEE! Life is worth living!
