According to the Arkansas PTA, one in four high school students is either a big fat ass or on the verge of having to wear jeans with an elastic waste. Arkansas lawmakers have passed a bill which requires students to have regular BMI (body mass index) checkups with school nurses. BMI is basically a tool for calculating ideal weight against age, height and gender. So, parents will receive two report cards, one for grades and one for the sumo baby who refuses to omit pie filling from his daily gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.
This is a great idea…in theory. “Over 60% of adult Arkansans are either overweight (BMI 25-29.9) or obese (BMI>30).” Let’s see. Arkansas has a population of about 2.8 million. That means 1,680,000 people are waddling around the state, double fisting Ho-Ho’s and string cheese. The best deterrent for your child is for them to see you in corduroy sans shirt.
“Now Zack, look at daddy’s voluptuous figure. Don’t cry son. Dark, misshaped nipples and greasy breasts are part of nature. Someday, you’ll have them too. Just like me, Uncle Gil and mommy, bless her soul. I know. I miss mommy too. She rode to heaven on the wings of cake batter. Now, go play outside. Daddy needs to take his pills (sound of seal breaking on Pringles can).”
You go, Arkansas. You’d be two steps ahead of the pack if you could walk that far without getting diabetes.
