This morning on the Today Show, a woman from Teen People discussed their latest sex survey.
Polling only teen males:
-72% said they are virgins
-68% said they wanted a girlfriend
-24% said girl’s body types meant nothing to them
-68% said personality is more important than looks
These results contradict one another. 76% of these guys don’t want a girl with back fat, a hook nose and a vericose highway that runs down an “unhappy” trail to Crabtown. 68% don’t mind the severe lazy eye and chin hair as long as she’s vivacious and optimistic. The numbers don’t add up.
Did Teen People conduct this poll on a Final Fantasy website? 68% WANT A GIRLFRIEND! They aren’t virgins by choice. Remember Larry Mondello from Leave it to Beaver? He was a short, pudgy kid who always wore a ball cap, carried an apple and followed Beaver around town. His only purpose was to kill the Beav’s buzz. “Gee, Beaver, I don’t think it’s a good idea to be a kid and get into trouble and have a series of legendary misadventures that are a normal part of life…so you don’t grow up a homo-repressed serial killer.” I applaud these teens for their abstinence, even if it is involuntary. But, a young man is a young man. You have to curb your appetite for unbridled ill na na by scraping your knees, exploring in the woods, sponsoring illegal hamster duels in your parent’s basement, etc. If you don’t, the second the vulva shouts, “red light…GREEN LIGHT”, you might make a mad dash for the finish line without your shoes. Which brings me to my next point…
Of the males polled who do have sex:
-81% said they knew how to use condoms
19% of sexually active teen males DON’T KNOW how to use a condom. That’s some scary shit and I’ll tell you why. Stupid people beget stupid people. Which means…the jug fuggler, who took daddy’s Buick out for a joy ride and caused an accident because he thought the pedestrian sign was a family crest, is gonna perpetuate the dumbass gene.
If you wanna give the gift of dick, go to the store and buy some wrapping paper. I understand it’s not as simple as that. See, I’m the kinda guy who gives X-mas presents that appear as if they were wrapped on a roller coaster by a man with Parkinson’s. But, they have that little place in the mall where they wrap your gift and it comes out looking like a Monet. Find a woman who can do that for your penis. Say, “I’m 17 and my handwriting looks like a rAnSom NoTE. Please sweetie…make my dick a Monet.”
