Thank you for purchasing a Starbonks© double-turkey and pesto panini . Below is documentation of your one year limited warranty.
During the Limited Warranty Period, Starbonks© will, in its sole discretion, replace mayonnaise with dijion mustard in accordance with factory specifications. In the event of epidermal sloughing by our resident sandwich maker, Starbonks© reserves the right to make you eat it anyway while providing an additional $3.00 service charge for each flake found within the original product. Starbonks© also reserves the right to use reconditioned parts that are semi-equivalent to those found in the original product. For example, we may substitute raisins for sun-dried tomatoes or an “oil painting of Jesus making flapjacks for Neil Sedaka” for lettuce.
Starbonks© may service customer-replaceable parts by exchanging your product with an uber-inferior one. Starbonks© reserves the right to sell your exchange back to you at 160% over retail value. If you refuse, Starbonks© will send an envoy to dispatch your immediate family until the amount is paid, in full, with 300% interest.
If a customer authorizes Starbonks© to perform any services excluded under this one year limited warranty, the customer should properly lube him/herself before receiving a flanged medieval instrument of death in an orifice the size of a nickel. The customer may assign his sandwich and limited warranty to another by sending voyeuristic photos of his/her mother on the toilet with the $10 transfer fee in a self-addressed stamped envelope to:
Starbonks© Corporation
775 Happy Balloon Factory Race Part 5 Ave.
Apartment # 6
Pant Chowder, Bulgaria VX7P-9.7XL
If you send your package PRIORITY OVERNIGHT (required), you will receive a coupon for a free venti, non-fat Frappugyna (local sales tax and $4 surcharge applicable) in 7-8 business months.
