1. What is your current ringtone?
Europe’s The Final Countdown.
2. What is your current wallpaper?
Two naked midgets with boners playing Mancala in a hard hat zone.
3. Do you own a picture phone?
No. And the police told me to stop scouting talent at elementary schools.
4. If so, what was the last picture you took?
A woman giving birth to Kevin Sorbo while drinking a Fresca.
5. Go to your text message inbox and type what the 10th text message says.
“Wash your dick.”
6. How many contacts do you have on your phone?
Two. My mommy and her angry husband who punches me when no one is around. I’m telling.
7. Who was the last person who called your cell phone?
Shadow Stevens for the block.
8. What service do you have?
Homeade service. It’s a speaker and a shoe lace glued to a 3DO controller.
9. At this very moment, how many bars do you have for your battery?
Heath bars.
10. Who’s on your speed dial number 1?
Kraft Singles Corporate Hotline.
11. Do you have voicemail?
If you consider a Post-It and a bag of ham voicemail, then yes.
12. How many contacts that start with the letter D do you have and who are they?
One. Darren P. Zorro, Batman’s dearest friend and confidant. He also presses pants.
13. Who do you call the most?
The lead singer of Ratt.
14. How many text messages do you get a month?
One. Apparently, I forgot to check the girl for a phone before I kidnapped her and ate her dad.
15. Can you send pictures?
To Playboy? Well, I’m flattered, but my body is better suited for Swank or Newsweek.
17. What are the last 2 digits to your number?
DQ. Sorry. Just wanted a dip cone.
18. Go to your sent texts, what does the 11th one say?
“Rod Stewart does have excellent skin.”
19. What about the 15th?
“If your next fart is juicy, I’m calling the Health Department.”
20. Who’s the last person that you called?
Jim Varney from beyond the grave. I’ve been commanded to revive the Ernest franchise at the cost of three virgins and a VHS copy of War Games.
21. Last person that texted you?
The executives at CBS. They just got my angry letter for renaming The Golden Girls, Golden Palace, and then putting it in a shitty timeslot. You assholes ruined Rue McClanahan’s career!
22. Last person you added to your contacts?
Bill Nye the Science Guy. We’re totally gonna egg Mr. Wizard’s house later.
23. How many minutes are on your plan?
Ten. And when I go over, I automatically get brain cancer.
24. Go down to your 25th contact, who is it?
Don “The Dragon” Wilson. He’s so making a comeback. Fuck you, Michael Dudikoff.
25. Wanna give out your number?
Sure. 7.
