Dear Kal-El,
When I asked you to live as one of them and be a beacon of hope, illuminating the path of good while extinguishing peril, I didn’t mean penetrate a homely Margot Kidder in your sexy ice cave. And while your performance was commendable, you’re Superman for Zod’s sake. Unattractive women are merely a vessel through which beautiful women empty their bowels. In other words, hot girls don’t shit. Skanks shit for them. This policy. NAY. This fact of human existence I bequeath to you. Now, clean your piece and go get papa some Newports.
Love,
Jor-El
___________
Dear Papa,
Okay, I picked up some smokes and chicken wings, but when I got back to Krypton, you were gone. In fact, the whole planet looked like the aftermath of the Lillith Fair, what with all the synched menses and Heath wrappers. By the time I got back home, five Earth years had passed, Lois suddenly got WAY hot, and I have a son being raised by some fruit smuggler who works at the Daily Planet. I’m technically a dead beat dad for flying off and not paying chid support for five years. On top of that, some Nancy, who is literally “faster than a speeding bullet” in the sack, is givin’ the ol’ ONE, TWO to my smokin’ lady friend while I rub one off to some old L.L. Bean catalogues I found on Jimmy Olsen’s desk. I have to use my X-Ray vision just to see through some goddamn MILF’s cashmere turtleneck – which was seasonable in the fall of ‘89. DOUBLE-U TEE EFF, DAD. SERIOUSLY. I hope your holographic ass has HPV, you inconsiderate sack of shit. You know what…
TAKE YOUR KNOWLEDGE CRYSTALS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR TWAT. Fuck this saving people bullshit. I’m goin’ to Village Inn.
Fuck off,
Terry (I legally changed my name. Cock.)
_________
Author’s side note:
I just wanted to profess my undying love for Kate Bosworth AKA the NEW Lois Lane. She’s cute. She’s Buddhist. She won a date with Tad Hamilton! Need I say more? It’s also unfair when someone beautiful has a disease which makes them nuts-to-floor breathtaking. I’m speaking, of course, of her heterochromia iridium – which is an ocular condition that allows her eyes to be two different colors. One is blue. The other is hazel. Can you imagine going to the doctor and hearing him say, “I’m sorry. You have a condition which puts you in a higher tax bracket”?
Some of us aren’t so fortunate. Some of us go in for a routine check up and hear, “You have mono, Munchausen’s, Klinefelter’s, and a deviated septum. Now, get the fuck out before I call security, you hideous oversight from God.”
