Written by a retainer, who not only failed to engage in battle but was also the guy you’d hang out with to make yourself look better by comparison (like Boner from Growing Pains or the kid in your 7th grade English class who smelled like croutons and Civil War photography), Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai is a window into the samurai code and also provides valuable social commentary, some of which still applies today.
I’d like to share my favorite excerpt with you and use it as a springboard for a brief discussion on gender.
A certain man said, “I know the shapes of Reason and of Woman.” When asked about this, he replied, “Reason is four-cornered and will not move even in an extreme situation. Woman is round. One can say that she does not distinguish between good and evil or right and wrong and tumbles into any place at all.”
Ladies. Fuck Grey’s Anatomy. The truth is that SOME (not all) of you don’t deserve a McDreamy because you’re ill equipped. “…tumbles into any place at all.” Translation: You’re an indecisive dumbass. Your brain is this emotional “I love him, I don’t love him” teeter totter, and in between the teetering and totting, you’re distracted by the Ford F150 driving jerk off with the backwards cap and goatee – whose sole mission in life is to Yo-Yo Ma your chewy bunghole into submission while you decide which outfit goes with the new shoes that no one gives a high flying fuck about. Hey, if you like picking dicks from a lumberyard, that’s your business. But, don’t bitch to me when the “man of your dreams” comes home smelling like Natty Light, stripper poles, and the break room at Lowe’s. You’re not gonna find class during happy hour at the bottom of a dumpster. So, quit living life like an episode of Sex and the City and start appreciating the dapper fellow who is inherently chivalrous and loves you for YOU. Not because TV or your gum flapping, loud mouth, chode chugging, gossip queen whore of a girlfriend said you deserve it as she suck starts a Shop-Vac while a vagrant licks goulash off her tits. If you want respect, you gotta get off your knees and earn it. If you want true love, you gotta love yourself first.
Guys. Just because I walk among you with my magnificent caramel jam box and freshly pressed “O.J. Did It. But, Stop Bringin’ Up Old Shit” t-shirts doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. “Reason is four-cornered and will not move even in an extreme situation.” Translation: We’re stubborn assholes. We try to fix EVERYTHING even when it’s beyond repair. Not all situations involving the heart can be mended with logic. And we tend to let pride usurp common sense. Be nice to women because it’s the compassionate thing to do. Quit acting like every act of kindness should be repaid in pussy. All the Abercrombie, dress socks, Diesel watches, cargo pants, hair gel, and newsboy caps in the world don’t make up for the fact that you’re an insecure, selfish, spotlight hogging, worthless Hawthorne Heights fan with the mental capacity of a half-eaten Eggo. If you’re already a dick, the hat is superfluous.
Do unto others or I’ll fucking slap you.
