1. What’s his/her name?
Mandy Moore
2. Do you trust her?
I would if she would stop masturbating outside my bedroom window whilst I clipped my toenails.
3. Where did you meet her?
We both have the same lute instructor.
4. How long have you known her?
How long is a solemn winter’s morn?
5. Is this person one of your best friends?
She would be if she didn’t smell like Prell and wine coolers.
6. Say something that only makes sense to you and her.
Hilary Duff’s taint freckle is made of peeeeeeople.
7. Is this person older than you?
Nope. I Razor’s Edged that fuckin’ cradle (a la Razor Ramone…the greatest Hispanic in all of fake sports).
8. When was the last time u saw # 1 ??
She cut her album next door to where I cut mine. Mine = Quizno’s new Prime Rib on Garlic Bread toasted sub.
9. When was the last time you talked to #1 on the phone?
Earlier today. That stupid bitch uses all my daytime minutes crying about her endometriosis and Jeff Gordon tattoo.
10. Are you related to this person?
Through necrophilia, we shall become one.
11. How long do you plan on knowing this person?
When the Hellmouth opens and facilitates the answer to number 10.
12. Does this person mean a lot to you?
Well sure. She did write a little hit called “Candy” about my meth and silk pant shorts addiction.
13. Are you their b/f or g/f?
We broke up last week. I couldn’t take all the Shamanism and referring to her use of dark magic on Terrence Howard as “literally the black arts”.
14. Do you have nicknames for each other?
“Lubbock” for her being about as tight as Zorro is Chinese. She calls me “Two-step” because…Step One: I rape. Step Two: I run.
15. Do you have pics of this person on your myspace?
No. She doesn’t photograph well. Like Count Orlok from Nosferatu.
16. How many times do you talk/write to this person in a week?
Our last correspondence was in the form of a telegram from Nagasaki on the morning of August 9th, 1945. It read…
I smell burnt hair.
Stop.
17. Do you think this person will repost this?
Does Sanyo make diapers?
18. Could u live with this person?
If she quits mistaking my contact solution for her douche, perhaps…
19. What is this persons favorite hobby?
Probably mining and charcoal sketches of Thomas Paine.
20. Why is this person number 1 on your top friend list?
We’re blood brothers from another mother.
21. Do you know all the schools this person attended?
That one place. You know. With the books and the desks. I think Jay-Z went there too. I believe they shared chickenheads.
22. What is this persons middle name?
I’m gonna say “Bijou Phillips”.
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