I just read this article on Yahoo! Health - which, by the way, is one step below taking medical advice from a dyslexic hypochondriac on an overstock.com message board - on The Art of Intimacy: Why He Won’t Propose. And Doctor Dooshittle has four key points…

…to which I’ll add a man’s perspective [because there's nothing worse than articles about "What men want" and "What women find sexy" written by the opposite sex].

1. Men Don’t Hear the Clock Ticking aka your eggs expire but our milk never goes bad.

“Men often do not realize the extent of this fertility timetable, and even if they do, they might not feel the same pressure to settle down.”

Excuse me? When I drive by Golden Corral aka Wal-Mart Plus, I see plenty of twentysomethings who should have been castrated - for no other reason than preventing the replenishment of the future workforce AT Golden Corral. Men don’t hear the clock ticking? Our dicks are like pocket watches. They work when you wind them, stop when you don’t, and completely break when they become heirlooms. Besides, I can set my dick to the sun. You could follow my dick to Bethlehem like the North Star; I’m good at pointing North when you’re looking. What can I say? I’m an exhibitionist.

Bottom line, we’re animals. Our base instinct is to perpetuate the species - even if some of it gets on the pillowcase. We know the clock’s ticking. Bullshit answer.

2. Men Dread the Big Day aka we don’t give a rolling fuck about gazebos and tiger lilies. I’ll admit, if we’re willing to sit and finish the fourth quarter despite underestimating a fart and shitting our pants, do you think we’re really gonna care about seating arrangements and table cloths? No.

BUT, more than being bored by the idea of picking out chartreuse napkins, we just don’t want to be nagged when we actually have an opinion.

“…they can’t wait to be princess for a day!”

Really? Well, you can’t marry yourself, you self-centered twats. If you get everything else your way, let us at least have Lee Majors balloons at the reception.

3. Men Want to Be Prepared
“Figure out if your life plans are on the same track by casually mentioning your own future goals, whether it is to own a business, buy a house, or have a baby.”

My goal is to be a homeowner with 3 kids and a Qdoba franchise. Let’s fuck.

Most relationships are relationships of convenience. You have money and she just so happens to be into money. You’re The Night Stalker and she just so happens to be a hooker with no eyeballs. But seriously, people date, mate, and marry within very small circles. And they literally settle for the best option in that circle. They don’t, for one second, consider that the world is full of billions of possibilities - most of which are probably better than the fuck ugly closet Hoobastank fan you share a bed with. A quick aside…why do girls from Oklahoma date guys who either look like fat Tim McGraws or the lead singer of Staind minus the money but with Eddie Money hair?

4. Men Fear the Proposal Moment
We don’t fear the proposal moment. We fear asking then having you run and tell your girlfriends that the ring we bought you sucks. Yeah bitch, I saw that episode of Sex in the City. It ruins our chances of fucking your best friends when your Bruno Kirby look-a-like boss is shaft deep in your ass during a “business trip” to Montana.

.done.
Shabaas