I’ve seen it a million times. A man shamefully engaged in the futile enterprise of pandering to the cat wagon. You’re at a restaurant or a bar and you see a cute waitress or bartender and you firmly believe that if you keep coming back, she will fulfill her destiny, becoming your betrothed right after she refills table 12′s waters. So there you are. Week after week. She knows your name. She knows you tip well. She knows you’re on the hook. You feel like you’re making progress every time you come back. The tips get a little higher. Maybe they come with mix tapes now. Nothing says “please let me smell your hair while you’re not paying attention” like a twenty and The Essential Men at Work.
You never seem to realize that it would be fiscally irresponsible for her to date you. She can keep milking you financially without having to milk you privately. The dance persists until her actual boyfriend shows up to her job with his sideways newsboy cap and tight Affliction shirt. He just came back from watching UFC at Buffalo Wild Wings. Always. And he looks like John Cena and Daughtry fucked at Seth Brundle’s house. They all do. You sulk in the corner. Your drinks get stronger. And you fade from her memory. Forever.
I witnessed this sequence last night. Chubby former frat boy. Ralph Lauren button-up tucked halfway into Lucky Brand Jeans. Backwards golf hat. “You off now? Let me buy you a drink.” He follows her around the bar. “You want another drink? Sure.” She’s clearly ignoring him now but she’s thirsty. He can stay until she’s not.
Part of me felt bad for the guy despite the tidal wave of douche in that 5 foot 8 frame. Believe me, I’ve done my fair share of pleading and wooing. But if you’re going to crash and burn, you better go out, dicks blazing. There’s an art to striking out. It’s important to go out swinging on your terms.
1. Be forward. One repeat visit is enough to get to the point. Any more than that and you’re pretty much the Night Stalker.
2. A woman knows right away whether or not she’s giving you the time of day. If she’s wishy-washy and you’re still there, you’re on the hook.
3. If her boyfriend suddenly shows up after you put in all that work, she did that shit on purpose. Chances are she’ll eventually feel guilty for leading you on and she’ll need an exit strategy. Cue Daughtry-Cena hybrid model 2731A.
4. When you fail, and you WILL fail, fuck her best friend. Do some blow. Take her skydiving. Let her tug you on the way down. Have a nice sky tug.
Unfortunately, you’ll fall into the same trap at some point in the future. It’s hard to resist the allure of a semi-attractive girl who smells like Nick Nolte looks. But worry not, my friend. Someday, you’ll untuck that shirt, turn your hat around and stop making online slideshows featuring Switchfoot’s “Dare You to Move.”
…thus is life.
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