Hobo Glossary

Guys, let’s stop fooling ourselves. For years, women have been planting information, teasing and baiting us with articles in Cosmo and similar publications. “Sex Quiz: Are You Pleasing Your Man?” or “How to Get the Guy Who Thinks You Look Like Klinger from M.A.S.H.” You’ve all seen these words gracing magazine covers with close-ups of a beaming Drew Barrymore or Scarlett Johansson eating bratwurst sans bun in a $6000 t-shirt. They lure us with eye candy, and we’re daft enough to think ourselves clever by reading articles tailored to women. Perhaps we can gain the inside track by being the man the magazine tells women we should be. I’m on to you people and your tampon conspiracy.

Ladies, you complain that men don’t know any new moves. But, you can’t HANDLE the moves we know. Well, at least the ones I know (shameless self-promotion still does me no good). Our hobo panel of experts, also known as The Montezuma Seven, are here to provide a list of terms to guide you through many memorable evenings with your man. Just because you can fellate a spoonful of Häagen-Dazs, doesn’t mean you know the first thing about The Gobbler and it’s variants. Without further adieu…

The Gobbler
Blowing your man while violently minding the stepchildren. The sound produced from such activities matches that of a turkey frantically trying to escape legendary sprinter Jesse Owens while he’s throwing halberds with Oswald-like precision.

The Self-Gobbler AKA The Sobbler AKA The Shame
When a man attempts to simulate The Gobbler by masturbating with Ocean Spray and tickling his own nuts. The only thing sadder is watching a chubby 8-year-old with type-two diabetes play on a see saw alone because his only friend, a deaf orphan, was playing Four Square in a Deaf Child Area when he was struck by a blind man in a Buick. The blind man was honking the horn because he could hear that he was hitting mail boxes and small trees, but he obviously didn’t see the sign. And the deaf orphan obviously didn’t hear the horn.

The Magic Show
Basically, the woman is performing The Gobbler while shaving you. But, the actual blowjob is so intense, you don’t realize that she’s wildly racing across your man-satchel with a Schick Quattro until it’s too late. We’re working on the assumption that you wanted your nuts to look like Ben Savage wrapped in a Civil War beard while hiding in a tee pee. So yes, you’re a little surprised.

The Tragic Show
Shaving your own nuts while masturbating to reruns of McMillan and Wife.

The Methuselah
You visit a 96-year-old philanthropist on his death bed, but you don’t feel so bad when you find out his money was actually being used to interbreed species against the will of God, thereby creating hideous abominations that feed only on the fingers of idiot piano savants. His dying wish, for whatever reason, is for you to titty fuck him while he sings Toni Braxton’s “Unbreak My Heart” in his finest Barbershop baritone. As you shake loose on that weathered mask society calls a “face”, he passes quietly into the third-level of Hell. Now, when the doctors receive the official cause of death, it MUST read “excessive panting due to unorthodox request”. If it reads “cardiopulmonary failure due to old age”, your neighbors have license to stone you at a town hall meeting and split your VHS collection. I got dibs on Transylvania 6-5000.

The Kaleidoscope AKA The Tong Po
When a woman gives you The Gobbler, accidentally snags you with her two front teeth, and you voluntarily send her across the room with a flying knee and make her see stars. Somehow, this also involves a remote village in Thailand and the untimely paralysis of your brother, Eric.

The Housekeeper
When your girlfriend gives you The Gobbler at a Red Roof Inn, and the concierge makes HER wash the sheets at knifepoint.

The Omaha Beach
Blowing your commanding officer in a foxhole while under heavy gunfire.

The Louis Armstrong
Two muscular dudes – like the hit motion picture “300″ ripped with guilded cocks – plowing a young Jewish student in the ass, drilling him like a human oil derrick for a chunk of mythical Jew-Doo (which is doo doo wrapped in a twenty) while a Kenyan blows his shorn pecker like a trumpet while the credits to Steve McQueen’s “Bullitt” roll on infinite repeat to the “Love Jones” soundtrack.

**The variant of this is, of course, The Louie Anderson. Every thing’s the same except you do it at a Wendy’s.

The Bake Sale
When two heterosexual men decide to double team a woman, they are required by law (the Law of Common Courtesy) to apply Reynold’s brand wrap to the scrotums to prevent the actual touching of balls. Generic brand plastic wraps are prohibited. Should aforementioned “wrappage” break during carnal activities, both men should immediately remove themselves from their hostess and light themselves on fire. While on fire, both men should jump in front of two trains, traveling in opposite directions, both carrying Jim J. Bullock…

Vah-dryness
A medical condition that affects one of four women in the U.S., it occurs when the “well dries up” due to excessive use. Oddly enough, it is also known to affect those with “motor mouth” and opinions about which no one gives a chronic fuck. The only known cure is “to dush” (sounds kinda like “douche” but pronounced like “push”). That, of course, involves shoving a stick of dynamite in the affected region and lighting both ends.

The Siberian Abortion
When you date the sister of your ex-girlfriend, impregnate her, and force her to chug a bottle of Stoli while the city shuts off your gas for non-payment in the middle of a harsh winter.

The Potsy
When you perform doggy style on a beautiful woman just so you can also catch the pilot episode of “Happy Days”.

The Brown Zipper
When you stick your finger in a girl’s butt while she’s taking a dump.

The Pommel Horse
Doing one-armed, naked push-ups on your son’s girlfriend’s mouth while she’s passed out because she just had her wisdom teeth removed. It’s cool though. She’s only like four days away from being legal.

The Layaway
Put a $10 down payment on a hooker. Fuck her and run away without paying the rest.

The Bethlehem
Fucking a Palestinian from behind and holding her hair back so she can find the North Star.

The Delano AKA The Fireside Chat
Fucking a girl so hard that she gets polio.

The Oreo Mustache AKA The Crosscountry Hetfield
Crossing state lines just to eat out a chick with mudbutt.

The Soup Kitchen
Getting head from a hobo for a can of stew.

The Zamboni
Reverse cowgirling a midget on Hoth.

The Quiet Courage
Sitting at the back of the bus just to fuck the bus driver, who just so happens to be on a 10-minute break.

The Grassy Knoll
When you and three other strangers cum on the back of a chick’s head in a book depository while she’s reading to her 3-year old son.

The Slater
Doing double anal plus two right thumbs with Christian Slater and Mario Lopez for pirate’s gold.

The Jewish Chalupa
Being well off enough to adopt seven Mexican kids but being too cheap to send them to private school.