1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Open. I pray that a Mexican is waiting to rape me with no remorse before mowing my lawn. I also sleep with one eye open because I like to watch.
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
Only ones from Red Roof Inn. Those pricks are so cheap that their shampoo is really Sam’s Choice mayonnaise and rock salt.
3. Have you ever ‘done it’ in a hotel room?
Sure. I’ve killed at least 3 women. It’s cool. 2 were for tax purposes.
4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
No. But you know what would make me laugh? Braille street signs.
5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
Only to cover the cleavage on my Notorious B.I.G. calendar. His body just doesn’t quit.
6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
No. There’s something disturbing about 10 cents off Val-Pak brand fish sticks and condoms. I save on condoms by not buying any. Sex is funnier when lives are at stake.
7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
Bees. Dude, have you ever smelled a Kodiak queef in the heat of battle? It smells like sun-baked vinyl and old Pepsi.
9. Do you always smile for pictures?
Smirk. I’m half black.
10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Bugles. How the fuck am I supposed to stir the curry (AKA finger bang) when there’s a delicious, pointy snack on my finger?
11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Tucker Carlson
12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
Only after sniffing a fat girl’s bicycle seat after a 30 minute ride. I see how many steps it takes before I pass out. I’m pretty much the only one who likes that game. Not because she’s fat. But because she has IBS.
13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
Last time I did, it was at Crystal Lake and my pee pee got Lance Armstronged.
14. Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?
Last time I did, a giant Indian threw a sink through a window and ran away. Then, I woke up in a straight jacket.
15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
I have an oral fixation. I’m always blowing someone…uh, something.
16. Ever talk on a cell phone in a public bathroom?
There’s nothing like singing Quarterflash’s “Harden My Heart” while unloading your howitzer next to a CPA who looks like Barry Goldwater.
17. Do you like popcorn from those big tins?
If by “big tin”, you mean Errol Flynn’s tomb, then yes.
18. What is your “Song of the week”?
PM Dawn. Die Without You. Because I would.
19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Only with Jams and rope belts.
20. Do you still watch cartoons?
Love em. Why the fuck did the Shirt Tales get cancelled after one season?
21. What’s your favorite scary movie?
Sesame Street Presents: Follow that Bird. Why would you EVER evict Big Bird from Sesame Street? If I were him, I’d pretend it was Atlanta and Willie Sherman that motherfucker to the ground. Hope your trash can is fire-proof, Oscar…you halfway house fuck.
22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
In my ex-girlfriend’s ass. No one will ever find it there. Prude.
23. What do you drink with dinner?
A gallon of toddler skin.
24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
A quart of lies.
25. What is your favorite food/cuisine?
Children fingers.
27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
The cover of my Thriller album. I woke up the next morning with cum on my chest and the actual record was missing.
28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
I was a fat Weblo Scout. I skipped the adventures and went straight to the Den mother’s lasagna.
29. Ever go skinny dipping?
Only when running from the Viet Cong.
30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
I just wrote Santa and told him “regular KY”. That “warming oil” bullshit hurts my Cavanaugh.
31. Can you change the oil in a car?
With Wesson?
32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
No. But I once got a ticket for parking on the dance floor. Apparently, there’s no parking. No parking on the dance floor. Fuck off.
33. Ran out of gas?
Only when pleasuring a woman with a wide-set vagina. Seriously, is Mandy Patinkin playing Canasta in that motherfucker?
34. Favorite kind of sandwich?
Anything with double meat. Jesus Christ do I love double meat.
35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
A bowl of dicks.
36. What is your usual bedtime?
After NOGGIN’s late night rerun of Dawson’s Creek. Fuck you, Pacey.
37. Are you lazy?
Would you ask Waylon Jennings that shit after diabetes forced doctors to remove his foot? So insensitive.
38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for halloween?
English philosopher and advocate of Utilitarianism, John Stuart Mill.
39. Ever eat a Chaco Taco?
Yup. Once you go black…
40. How many languages can you speak?
3. English. Caramel. And Nougat.
41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
No, but we keep getting Vibe for free. Did you know that Jermaine Dupri loves hiking and toaster sandwiches?
42.Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
I still eat legos. The Duplo are a little hard to swallow.
43. Are you stubborn?
You know those two old naysaying cocksuckers who shit on the Muppets from their Ivory Tower? Those are my sons.
44. Who is better…Leno or Letterman?
Leno. He was in Collision Course with Pat Morita. He could be a convicted child molester and still be the cat’s sopapilla for his rich, complex performance in that film.
45. Ever watch soap operas?
Is Victor still on Young and the Restless? I mean…uh. No.
46. Afraid of heights?
Only when dueling Carmine AKA The Big Ragoo from Laverne and Shirley with bo staffs on a tight rope 20 stories above a Rob Thomas street concert live on the Today Show.
47. Sing in the car?
Bob Seger. Still the Same. Every single day. His voice is so fuckin’ rugged. Like eating lunch at Hibdon’s.
48. Dance in the shower?
Yes. And my secret fantasy is to dance with Daniel LaRusso whilst he’s in that shower costume in The Karate Kid. Gay.
49. Dance in the car?
Yup. To “Everybody Hurts”. Jesus, that’s a funny song.
50. Ever used a gun?
I prefer to engage my opponents with rope candy.
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
When was the Trail of Tears again?
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
Lou Rawls on Ice = the balls, yo.
53. Is Christmas stressful?
No. Just frustrating. Stop putting Stax in my stocking, you cheap pieces of shit. At least pay the extra 21 cents for Pringles to make me think you actually like me.
54. Ever been to GoofyAuctions.com?
Hmmm. Nope. Ever been to www.ihopeanncoultergetskidnappedairliftedtodarfurdroppedincrossfireandfacefuckedbyknifefightingchimps.com ???
55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
chili
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Major Dad
57. Do you believe in ghosts?
Ghost Dad
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
Only when Madame Cleo tells me I have during a reading…
59. Take a vitamin daily?
Is pie a vitamin?
60. Wear slippers?
I wear UGGs to bed
61. Wear a bath robe?
Yes. I’m Tony Curtis.
62. What do you wear to bed?
The Shroud of Turin
63. Your First Concert?
Sesame Street on Ice, fo sho.
64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
I like buying meat at Wal-Mart. You can actually taste the savings.
65. Nike or Adidas?
Nucleus. You can only pay for them with food stamps.
66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
Cheetos are better on cake.
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Peanus.
68. Ever have a hidden piercing?
My 10th orafice is actually the answer to The DaVinci Code. That fuckin’ book sucks shit.
69. Ever take dance lessons?
Once. In prison. I didn’t get to lead either.
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
How bout NOT being a whore? That’s good enough for me.
71. Can you curl your tongue?
Gimmie a dime sack and some Nuprin and I’ll show you.
72. Ever won a spelling bee?
I came close when I was 8. They asked me to spell “inconsiderate”. I didn’t know how; so, I stabbed the winner with safety scissors. I did learn how to spell “irony” that day.
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Sure! It isn’t everyday that you get to meet Fred Savage.
74. Ever eat a booger?
If it’s just layin’ there on a table, sure. But, I’m not gonna go out of my way to grab one.
75. Own a record player?
Yes. I also own an unopened Huey Lewis and the News “Sports” vinyl.
76. Regularly burn incense?
Sometimes on my arm. You know…to see if I still feel. Nope. Still dead inside.
77. Ever been in love?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (yes)
78. Who would you like to see in concert?
Cat Stevens. He should drop the Yosef Islam for a day and sing Moonshadow at my wedding…which is also the same day as my wake.
79. What was your last concert you saw?
A praying mantis doing the jitterbug on a can of Rotel.
80. Hot tea or cold tea?
Mr. T(ea)
81. Ever ran around outside without a shirt?
I did visit my friend’s church once when I was little. He’s Catholic.
82. Favorite kind of cookie?
EL Fudge AKA fat kid vitamins.
83. Can you swim well?
I’ve been known to do the breaststroke in a sea of hate.
84. Can you hold your breath without manually holding your nose?
Only when my asshole’s bleeding.
85. Are you patient?
Sure. I’m gonna need you to go ahead and finish mourning your dead husband in the next five minutes though.
86. Band or DJ?
DJ Tanner
87. Ever won a contest?
The things I’m good at…aren’t exactly legal. But, I have gotten some underground recognition. Perhaps a cult following. Not everyone appreciates sorcery.
88. Ever had plastic surgery?
Only if you can do that shit from Face/Off. I wanna trade with Robert Loggia.
89. Which are better black or green olives?
Green. The brine makes emerald lube.
90. Can you knit or crochet?
I knitted all the cocksocks for the Cleveland Chapter of Chippendales.
91. Best room for a fireplace?
Bathroom. That’s where I read all my favorite books anyway. Oh Richard Scarry, why is your world so busy?!!
92. Are you married?
Came close. Fucking restraining order.
93. If married, how long have you been married?
In my head, 13 years.
94. Who was your high school crush?
Marlee Matlin. I nub nuuuu.
95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
I don’t throw fits. I throw chair legs and snack cakes.
96. Do you have kids?
Just dropped them off at the pool.
97. Do you want kids?
One of these days. Someone’s gotta pay the legal bills when I take everyone to Hell with me during my final days.
98. What are your favorite colors?
Doesn’t matter. I likes em all. Breathing or not, I’ll stick a dick in it. Maybe not mine.
99. Do you miss anyone right now?
Pol Pot.
100. Who do you wanna see right now?
Jennifer Love Hewitt. Naked. Dance fighting Tong Po.
