1. Single, Crushin’, Interested, Dating, or in a Relationship?
Cruisin’ elementary schools for new talent. You know, keepin’ it real.
2. Are you happy with where you are?
In an emotional, private Hell where if I drop enough acid Tron begins to make sense? Sure. Why not?
3. When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
Only if that person is Emmy-nominated actor John Heard.
4. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Only when Mola Ram rips it from my chest in an unnecessary ceremony near an acid mine full of child laborers who aren’t smart enough to take the Sankara stones for themselves and live like kings…
5. Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is acceptable?
Well, if you’re playing Scrabble with an invalid who keeps getting Triple Word scores. Then, yes. I would save face at all costs.
6. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
If she promised to stop blowing dinner cock for breakfast money. So far, I haven’t met a bitch who doesn’t like cini-mini’s.
7. Have you talked about marriage with another person?
Yup. And then her husband came home. AWKWARD.
8. Do you want children?
Read the answer to question 1.
9. How many?
How many does it take to build a 700-foot platinum effigy of me that makes the Colossus of Rhodes look like a wet Kit Kat? Oh, and I’d like rhinestones for the hair.
10. Would you consider adoption?
Only on the black market. And only if said child bore “The Mark of Providence” – which is pretty much just a Wrath of Khan tattoo with Wolf Blitzer in the foreground eating grapes.
11. If somebody liked you right now, what do you think would be a cool way to let you know?
“Hi, I’m pop sensation Mandy Moore. I’ve got some knee pads in my trunk, and I’m into intravenous drug use and anal.”
12. Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
No, but I do enjoy getting hard.
13. Be honest, do you play the “game” when you are dating?
Skip Bo or a numbers runner for a crude but sensible drug lord?
14. Do you believe love at first sight exists?
Yes. But, my dick believes a lot of things. It votes for Third Party Candidates because Dunhill smoking, Morrissey fans do.
15. Are you a romantic?
Yes. I do, in fact, enjoy turning a hooker into a housewife despite several warnings from Jay-Z and the Roc-A-Fella camp.
16. Do you believe that you can change someone?
Through the magic and wonderment of The Bacon Brothers, anything is possible.
17. If you could get married anywhere, money not an object?
Inside John Tesh. Who doesn’t want to be inside of him?
18. Sex buddies – good or bad?
Only bad if you’re Peter Scolari and your roommate is Tom Hanks and you’re both hetero and disguised as women to keep the lease on a low rent apartment until your roommate starts listening to New Wave, drinking Capri Sun, and you wake up with his dick on your face while he’s holding a pan full of freshly baked buckwheat muffins.
19. Do you easily give in when you are fighting?
Wouldn’t you if Daniel LaRusso peered into the window of your soul with his innocent gaze?
20. Do you have feelings for someone right now, whether they know or not?
Oh, she knows it. And she’s smart for getting ADT. Good for you, TV’s Diane Sawyer.
21. Have you ever wished you could’ve had someone but you messed that up?
Yeah. I should have never turned to Marv Albert’s “Guide to a Successful Marriage” for advice. I felt something was amiss since the first eight chapters were about “forcible sodomy”. But, the man is a poet.
22. Have you broken a heart?
With a beer bottle. Mommy, why do things stop moving when you stab them?
23. What would you do if you found another person in bed with your girlfriend?
Join them. Then, in the quiet aftermath, admit that I just gave them both hepatitis B.
