1. When is the last time you held hands with someone?
Ed Bradley. Last Tuesday. Dead people have lovely fingers.
2. You wake up as the opposite gender, what’s one thing you would do?
Finger my ass. Wait. I do that now.
3. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Only to watch Dawson sleep and maybe sneak a peek at that robust, virile, teenage hog beneath his Faded Glory gym shorts.
4. Where is your mom?
Making out with your’s*. *Your’s = Huey Lewis’ drummer
5. Morning or night person?
I prefer the cloak of the night sky for drive-by raping.
6. What was the last movie you watched?
Backfield in Motion. It’s that made-for-TV movie where Roseanne runs the Statue of Liberty and wins the big game. I’m not making this shit up.
7. Favorite number?
Whatever number summons the Pale Horse. I’m gonna say -12.
8. Any cool scars?
Just cunt burns.
9. Things about the opposite sex you notice first?
Hernia size.
10. What do you do when no one is watching?
Rub chowder on my calves while taping Evening Shade with a VCR-Plus.
11. Ever been in love?
Love is forbidden in Valhalla.
12. What’s something your friends make fun of you for?
My Klinefelter’s. I don’t pride myself on sterility and womanly elegance, but it doesn’t hurt when convincing strangers that I don’t NEED to wear a condom.
13. What is your curfew?
After adding the last pearl to her necklace, it’s time to peace out.
14. Do you talk a lot?
For a deaf mute? Sure.
15. You + alcohol =
Convicted pederast.
16. Do you miss someone?
Lenny Kravitz’s mom. God took the wrong Kravitz.
17. Would you marry for money?
Only if my wife were smokin’, willing to let me use her like any other random wet hole, and eager to sign off on a 16 bedroom Victorian house made entirely of Mallomars and immigrant tears.
18. Question missing. So, lemme just go ahead and say “Nash Bridges”. The End.
19. If you could live in any past time period, where would it be?
I think it’d be fun to drive an ice cream truck to The Crucifixion. Lighten the mood a bit.
20. Do you drink enough water?
Not really. The only way I can maintain an erection is by passing kidney stones. Not something I like to mention on the first date, by the way.
21. Do you wear shoes in the house or take ‘em off?
Well, I come from a traditional Japanese household where it’s polite to remove footwear before entering a domicile. But, we all know I’m an asshole. So, I leave em on and try to track mud.
22. What is your favorite fruit?
Pussy.
23. What is your favorite place to visit?
Read number 22.
24. Are you photogenic?
Is Zeus black?
25. Do you dream in color or black and white?
Don’t ask me fuckin’ racist, Jew questions.
26. Why do you take surveys?
Because the terrorists win if we don’t.
27. Where do you want to vacation?
Merv Griffin’s prostate.
28. What is the most beautiful language?
It’s a tie between that crazy bone nose shit in Apocalypto or the groans from the charcoal people on Kong Island.
29. Do you like being kissed when you are asleep?
Only if when I come to, Bart Conner is using me like a Pommel Horse while singing “Lyin’ Eyes” by The Eagles.
30. What do you like most; sunrise or sunset?
What a loaded question. Fuck you.
31. Do you want to live till 100 yrs?
Fuck that. I’m peace out like Mike Douglas in Falling Down. I’m taking A LOT of people to Hell with me.
32. Is a flat stomach important to you?
Not really. I need a place to warm my pitas while I pick random folds to fuck.
33. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?
I like my lights like I like my nachos. Randy Travis style. All coyote beef and goats milk. I have NO idea what any of that means.
34. Do you believe in magic?
Only the magic of David Blaine. Every mystery in life can be explained through his magic. Riddle of the Sphinx? David Blaine. Where’s Jimmy Hoffa? David Blaine. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? David Blaine (also professor emeritus, sorcerer, actor, and amateur geologist James Woods).
35. Do you like to watch cartoons?
Sure. When people with overbites and Hee Haw teeth try to speak in public, it’s like a live action cartoon.
36. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn’t real?
Twenty seven.
38. Do you snort?
Once. In ’87. When I was on the road with Winger.
39. You sleep more on your back, front, or sides?
Depends on who is below me. If it’s James Garner…always stomach.
40. Would you rather have a poodle or a rotweiler?
People shouldn’t fuck dogs. But, the latter is sinewy and more likely to push back. So, I’ll take that one.
41. Are you basically a happy person?
When the Valtrex is flowing and the sores are scabbed over, I’m on top of the world.
42. Are you tired?
David Blaine.
43. Did you drink anything with caffeine today?
Don Cheadle’s bath water.
44. How many landlines/cellphones do you have in your home?
A cordless rotary phone with a boombox antenna and Valvoline sticker.
45. Do you get along with your parents?
When they run out of heresy gas, matches, and rope. Sure. I CHOOSE to worship Dorian Gray and fish heads and I’m a grown man and I shouldn’t have to live by their Narc ass rules, man.
46. Do you like/love anyone now?
Play me a few bars of Spanish guitar and I’m yours, International Sensation Antonio Sabato, Jr.
47. What do you do when you’re sad?
Go to the bus station and watch the homeless freeze to death. It warms my smile.
48. What do you need most now?
An 8-Track player. I wonder if this Michael Jackson “Ben” 8-track actually works. Oh, and a lyre so I can challenge Pan to a Battle of the Bands after rubbing one off with sheepskin.
49. What song are you listening to now?
“Daniel” by Elton John. It makes me sad.
50. What are you craving now?
If I say “cock”, how gay does that make me?
