It takes a LOT to make a Buddhist want to napalm a child, but something needs to be done to prevent retards from bearing future RAV4 driving, knuckle draggers with Hee Haw teeth. Just when gas hits $4 a gallon, these reverse MENSA members think it’s a great time to invest in fuckin’ four ton, Optimus Primes with 22 pounds of side mirrors and 3 Hemi’s – not counting the 2 in the glove box.
“I got a helluva deal – what with the $3500 cash back and the $2.99 gas for a year.”
NO YOU DIDN’T. You get to buy $5 dollar a gallon diesel every 17 goddamn feet. Fucking asshole. Thanks for driving up demand.
Also, anyone who plans an evening out with your friends…
Leave your goddamn cell phones at home. You don’t need to fucking text every 36 seconds. In fact, the next person to do that shit to me…we’re not friends anymore. What the fuck happened to fellowship? Quit hanging out just to get a good myspace picture and quit texting like you’re actually gonna get laid. Nobody likes your stank ass right now. Otherwise, you’d be out with them. Either stay home and fuck or hang out with your friends. We’re not on a gay Nordic cruise. Quit mixing the possibilities. So help me God, brother of Kurt Russell, son of Chris Elliott, I’ll shove that goddamn Sidekick so far up your cunts and assholes that you’ll be shitting scenes from Lawnmower Man for a week.
Lastly, I’d like to give a shout out to the lowest common denominator in the Information Age – the people who deliver bad news via email and/or text message. How hard is it to pick up a phone and tell someone to fuck off? Shit, even writing a letter shows an inkling of effort and human decency. Emailing bad news is like a fat sorority girl riding a Rascal to her front door to sign for her Omaha steaks and giant black dildo (because daddy would never approve). Quit being a lazy faggot. Get up in somebody’s grill. Tell them they suck to their faces. It’s more fulfilling. Plus, you’ll work off the taquitos.
Well, I just realized I had one more thing to say. So, fuck the last “lastly”. We need a word for “last lastly” when dumbasses like me fuck up and need to ramble more. “Rick Astley”. That’s the word I’m using.
So, Rick Astley…
“Pundit” implies expertise and sharing opinions based on that expertise. Not nay saying and being a prick because you’re a goddamn attention whore who aspires to Ann Coulter-like fame. Stop accusing Obama supporters of believing in the “hype of hope”. It’s not raining perfect candidates. And it hasn’t since JFK stopped cumming on White House guests.*
So what if I pick the one that doesn’t piss me off. McCain is like a flaky Catholic girl who lets you bust one in her ass one night and gets all preachy and cautious the next. Remember when you weren’t pandering to G.W.’s base? I do. I actually would have voted for you then.
And Hillary is the fucking worst. I’d rather vote for someone with ZERO track record than someone with her’s. And that’s what I’m doing. That’s how bad our country has gotten. Unpredictability is hope.
Again, welcome to the Information Age. Now, text me your number so I can call you and tell you to fuck off.
*Fuck you, grassy knoll.
